Transparent Faces

So i've been thinking bot what i want to do next year and i've decided i still don't know and as much as i hate people that have no goals i do but i don't know what kind. I want my licence becuase i want to go places and sit and watch. I want to go places on my own, i need to just sometimes just be there just sitting watching not do anything. I don't know why but i am fascinated by the world around me and how it came to be. This sadly doesn't mean that i like learning about it. I've decided i want to read more, I love reading it's sooo good i like how i can be more into a novel than a show or tv becuase it's more of a one on one thing. it's an exciting feeling knowing you feel the way you do just by reading some words. I want to get into either UniSA or Flinders to do International Business but frankly i'd rather go to UniSA and i want to leave South Australia for sometime and go find out how independent i am and how much i really need the things around me. I'm always taking advantage of what i have and i think i'm starting to get sick of it. I need to take a gooood look in the mirror and find out who i am in this world, where i fit and really where i want to be not only today but in the future! I'm starting to deprive myself of things that i shouldn't maybe becuz i feel like i don't deserve it and that's bullshit becuz we should all be able to spoil ourselves without feeling guilty!!!!!

And also i want what any other female wants to be wanted and love but hopefully that comes when i'm ready. I feel that just becuz i want it sooo much that i could end up getting hurt and then not being able to cope with what happens good or bad somehow i feel that i would wreck it. I don't trust my judgement when it comes to love, i find that i guard myself and only i know why and i don't like the reason. It is an old reason that needs to leave but ofcourse it is a story that needs to be told and will only be told to the one i will end up sharing my life and whole forever. They will help me overcome it and show me that i am now loved and that that matters no more becuz they will protect me and keep me safe from that ever happening again. I don't need a male to do that though i myself protect myself but it's great to have someone you can lean on, kiss, hug and just be able to tell the truth about anything becuz whats the point in you telling yourself what you already know? Its great to have someone listen to your nothings, whinges and annoying sayings yet it's also great to have a friend. But i can't tell my friends what i will one day tell my partner becuz it's tooo personal and deep and they are things that i want kept hidden until one day someone helps me reveal what they are. And that is how i will know that i have fallen in love when i can give myself to someone, my entire retarded self becuase i have many faces, layers like an onion so they need to be peeeled off carefully one by one.

Gosh do you think i gave enough of myself then?